Chapter Text
Crowley feels lovely in his arms.
His demon is all soft, warm skin through the fabric separating him from Aziraphale's hands, all content smiles and calm breaths. But it's far more than the physical sensation of his body intimately close. More even than the air of serenity surrounding him, wonderful as all that is.
It's the way it feels right to hold him like this, like a piece that his life had previously been missing is finally slotting into place - the light of Crowley's being befitting Aziraphale's soul in the same way the sharp angles of Crowley's body fit against Aziraphale's soft curves.
He isn't sure how he ever doubted the fact they belong together. It's so staggeringly clear to him now, here, in Crowley's bed, wrapped in Crowley's arms, Crowley's love. Nothing could possibly feel like this if it wasn't supposed to be. He believes it with all his heart now, knows it with unwavering certainty, and loathes that he had been so hung up on being 'good' that it made him unable to see that this, them,wasgood. In fact, it was the very best thing he could fathom.
Aziraphale breathes in contently, lets his thumb slip beneath the hem of Crowley's shirt and stroke the warm skin in the dip of the demon's spine.
His back is tingling, and the angel is uncomfortably aware of the scar tissue between his shoulder blades, scars where the roots of his wings should be. Wing that are gone now, but it feels as if they're still there, hiding away, itching to break free and wrap the demon safely in their cover.
Aziraphale fights the tears springing to his eyes at the image, the devastating truth that he'll never get to experience that now.
He shifts, trying to shake the phantom feeling of an insistent weight on his back, but it doesn't help.
"You alright, angel?" Of course. Crowley has always been far too attuned to Aziraphale's every need and disposition. "Are you still in pain?", the demon asks, brow furrowed in worry.
"No, my love." Aziraphale gives him a soothing smile. "No pain. Thanks to your exemplary care for all these weeks."
"Then what is it?"
It's no use. Crowley knows him too well. Aziraphale doesn't want to burden him with his silly troubles, especially not now that they've just put aside all the pain and sadness hovering between them for so long. He doesn't want to break the spell of the moment, doesn't want to wipe the look of contentment from Crowley's face - wishes he could keep it there forever.
But it hasn't done them any good to keep things from each other in the past, even if it may have been done in good faith.
Aziraphale has sworn to himself to do better, to be honest with Crowley and trust he'll know what to do with the pieces of Aziraphale's soul revealed to him. He won't start going back on that vow now.
Aziraphale sighs.
"It's nothing, really", he says, still reluctant to show how deeply this is actually affecting him. "Just sometimes, I...when I move a certain way, when old instincts awaken in my corporation. It's almost as if I can still feel them."
He gives Crowley a small smile, knows it doesn't reach his eyes. There's no need to specify what he means, the look of empathy and heartbreak overtaking Crowley's eyes tells him as much.
"Angel."
"It's fine, truly", Aziraphale hastens to say, not sure he can take whatever words of comfort hide behind those eyes. "I never had the opportunity to take them out much, anyway. No need for wings on Earth, is there? And it saves time on grooming."
His attempt at lighthearted dismissal sounds fake even to his own ears.
Grooming. Another chance at intimacy that he'll never get to share with Crowley now.
"Aziraphale."
The angel swallows hard, forces himself to meet the demon's eyes.
"It's okay for you to be upset about this", Crowley says gently, and it hits harder than it probably should. "To be angry. To be hurt, and not just...you know. Physically. You can show that to me, if you want", the demon says, reaching for Aziraphale's hand. "It's okay for you to feel...whatever it is you need to feel, angel."
Be vulnerable with me, Crowley's eyes are saying, asking of him, and Aziraphale can feel hiscarefully guarded mask slowly slipping away, his brows drawing together, lower lip trembling slightly, tears appearing in his eyes.
He's unable to stop any of it, and perhaps he doesn't want to. He gasps shakily, and the dam seems to break, sadness and agony overtaking his body so suddenly and forcefully he feels choked by the utter devastation of it, more powerful than even he was prepared for, more than he thought he was harbouring.
"I-I..." Aziraphale tries to breathe, but it comes out stuttering. "I didn't think..."
He looks at Crowley, highly aware of the unguarded confusion and heartbreak in his eyes.
"How could they do this, Crowley?" He just doesn't understand, hasn't even been able to fathom the cruelty of such an act. "How could they- I knew I would be punished if they caught me, I knew there would be consequences to my actions, but this- I didn't think they'd do something like this, I didn't-"
Tears trail down his face, tears of past pain, of disappointment, of betrayal.
"We're angels", Aziraphale chokes out. "We're...supposed to be being of love. Of course I knew they never had much love for me up there, but I could never have imagined- How could they do something like this to one of their own, Crowley? How could they?"
"I don't know." Crowley shakes his head, tears in his own eyes, and the shared heartbreak on Crowley's face just deepens the black pit in Aziraphale's gut all the more. "I don't know, angel. And I'm so sorry."
"I'm supposed to be their brother", Aziraphale hears himself say. "Family, Crowley. We're supposed to be the good ones."
"Shhhh." Crowley draws him in, cradling Aziraphale close, his head resting against the demon's chest as he feels a kiss pressed to his hair. "It wasn't your fault", Crowley says. "You didn't deserve it. No one deserves this. I'm so sorry."
"You tried to tell me." Aziraphale clings to him, feels like he might shatter to pieces if he doesn't have Crowley there to hold him together. "So many times. You tried to tell me, and I didn't listen. They threw you out, made you fall into a pit of burning sulfur, and I didn't listen." It hurts. Everything hurts, and Aziraphale doesn't know how to stop it now that he gave it air to breathe. "They cast you out-you, my beautiful darling, my precious Crowley, and yet I didn't want to believe it, I- I thought I could-"
"It's not your fault", Crowley insists. "Don't ever think that. I love you", he says, like it should be the only thing in the world that counts, and Aziraphale sobs into his shoulder, tears wetting the demon's shirt. "Shhhhh. Let it out, that's it." Crowley's fingers card through his hair. "Just let it out."
Aziraphale closes his eyes and lets the tears fall.
~oOo~
Crowley isn't sure how long they sit there, just keeps holding his angel as he cries.
It might be minutes, might be a lifetime, it doesn't really matter. It kills him to see Aziraphale like this, but he also knows this is necessary, a moment of release long overdue, one the angel might have desperately needed.
And so, however long it takes, Crowley waits, keeping his angel safely in his arms, until Aziraphale's tears have run dry, his quiet sobs subsided.
It's Aziraphale who pulls away eventually, Aziraphale who extracts himself slowly from Crowley's embrace, and the demon lets him go, follows him as he sits up, all the while still making sure to keep them close enough to be a comfort.
"Hey there", he says gently, relieved to see the corners of Aziraphale's mouth quirking up.
"Thank you." Aziraphale smiles bashfully, rubs at his red-rimmed eyes with a blush colouring his cheeks. "I believe I needed that."
Crowley smiles back.
"Anytime, angel", he says, and he means it, wholeheartedly. He wants to be the shoulder Aziraphale leans on, the steady rock to support him in the relentless storm. He wants them to be that safe haven for each other, that place of unconditional love and acceptance they haven't found anywhere else. "Don't worry about it", Crowley assures him. "You okay?"
Aziraphale sighs deeply, nods.
"I believe so." He puts his palm against Crowley's chest, looking at Crowley timidly from underneath his eyelashes, like he knows he should not feel embarrassed about his display of emotion, but can't quite shake the feeling anyway.
"Thank you, truly. I don't know what I'd- what I'd do. Without you", Aziraphale says, swallowing hard. "Especially right now, after-"
The angel trails off, clearly overwhelmed as his voice trembles.
Don't,Crowley thinks. Don't ever thank me for stuff like this.
"S'okay-"
"No, it's-" Aziraphale sucks in a shaky breath. "You don't know how much it means- Crowley, I-"
Crowley shakes his head, can't bear thinking Aziraphale might take his care for him as something like charity. Responsibility. Like it's an effort. It's not.
"Angel-"
"I love you", Aziraphale blurts out before he can get a word in, eyes flitting over Crowley's face. "I love you.Goodness, I-"
A shaky breath leaves the angel's lips, and Crowley can see something in his eyes changing, darkening as it overtakes the soft vulnerability that had been there a moment ago. Aziraphale licks his lips, fists the fabric of Crowley's shirt in his hand.
And then he's kissing him, pressing his lips to Crowley's with adamant urgency, desperate and pleading. Crowley allows the angel to kiss him, allows him to taste and coax his mouth open with his tongue, to seek out and take what he wants for a few moments. But there's something uncomfortably vulnerable about Aziraphale's hungry urging for more, and Crowley finds himself responding but can't bring himself to match the angel in kind.
"Hey, hey." He gently tries to disentangle himself from Aziraphale's grip, putting a hand on his chest to make him pause. "Slowly", Crowley says, but there's nothing slow or gentle in Aziraphale's eyes when he looks at him pleadingly.
"Please." Aziraphale shuffles closer again, fingers slipping into Crowley's hair. "Please, I- I want you."
"Angel-" He's cut off by another kiss, even more urgent now, Aziraphale's eyes squeezed shut tightly as he presses into Crowley, gripping him firmly.
"Angel, wait." He has to push him away more insistently this time, and there are all kinds of alarms going off when Crowley looks at him, feels the angel's fingers hold onto him almost fearfully, eyes gleaming with something that opens a deep pit in the demon's gut.
"I've made us wait long enough", Aziraphale says, pulling him in. "Crowley, I need-"
"Whoa." He plants both hands more firmly against the angel's chest, holding him in place. "Hey...hold up", Crowley says more gently, hearing the worry seep into his own voice. "You sure that's a good idea? You're...uhm." Crowley hesitates, searching the angel's face. "Emotionally vulnerable, right now. Maybe it'd be better to put this on hold for a bit, yeah? If that's alright."
Aziraphale looks taken aback, something that's pretty close to rejection flickering across his face, contorting his features, and Crowley reaches out, cups his cheek in one hand.
"Nonono, look at me", he says urgently. "Look at me. Angel. I want you, too. Y'know I do. But you're upset. This isn't-"This isn't right. Not right now. "I mean I don't- Don't wanna take advantage of you like this."
Aziraphale presses his lips together, then swallows hard, his throat bobbing. The hurt of rejection melts away a bit, revealing something much more honest and fragile.
"I just wanted to be close to you", the angel says quietly, small, like it pains him to say it, and Crowley's chest aches.
"I want that too, okay?" His hand travels up, fingers carding through Aziraphale's locks, stroking them behind his ear. "And we can. I'm right here, yeah? Just lemme be here with you a little longer", he suggests, and it isn't solely for the angel's benefit either. Crowley recognises easily that he needs this just as much. "Come lie down with me", he says gently, "lemme just hold you for a bit. Please?"
Aziraphale bites his bottom lip, seems reluctant for a moment longer than Crowley would have liked, but then he sighs deeply, tension bleeding out of him. He looks tired, suddenly. Exhausted, to be completely honest, the kind of emotional drainage that sneaks up on you, hits you full force once you let your guard down in a quiet moment of surrender.
"You're right", he says, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "Of course, you're right. Forgive me."
"Don't apologise." Crowley squeezes his shoulder. "No need for that."
The tentative hint of a smile curls Aziraphale's lips.
"You're far too good to me, do you know that?"
Crowley chuckles softly, scooting down and pulling Aziraphale with him, white hair spread around his head like a halo where he lies in the demon's dark sheets.
"Impossible." He leans in to kiss Aziraphale softly, both of them smiling now.
"I love you", Aziraphale says against his lips, eyes calm now when he looks at him, loosening the knot that had been pulled tight in Crowley's chest. "Thank you", the angel says again, and that's different too now. Sweeter. Disarming. Easier for a demon to take.
"C'mere."
Aziraphale settles in his arms, releases a long breath.
It's a sound of frustration, of weariness. But there's contentment in it somewhere. A note of something peaceful.
Crowley kisses the top of his head.
Yeah, he thinks.It'll be alright.
They're gonna be alright.
